we have reservations.
There are many things you don't know and many things I don't know. Maybe it's better that way becuase the unknown doesn't mean I won't see you again.
old habits die hard.
Insomnia! I've been plagued with insomnia. My mind is like a battlefield of ideas as I attempt to sleep... every night the same thing. There is no worse feeling than lying in bed and waiting for sleep to come when you know very well it won't for the next few hours. I've always been mentally most active in the late hours... after all, I was, in my heyday, a nocturnal academic (self-proclaimed of course). Torturous nights! My eyes want to close so bad but my mind refuses and is having none of it. Why can't my own body be in consort with itself? How's that for Cartesian dualism? But I guess that's every insomniac's problem.
the keys to a successful marriage.
I feel like I've been left in the dark with only a little crack of light under some door some many meters away. It's not impossible, but not so tempting to face the light again. Sometimes you can just visualize taking that wrong step at the wrong crossing and then you are high in the air and you can breathe easy because you know nothing after that moment will matter anymore and everything beforehand has been bittersweet. Falling and falling. You can find solace in that complete stillness of time. But no, we have to be confronted with our realities everyday, the worst of them being our social realities. To love, to cry, to be hurt, to laugh... all in a day's work. Where have you gone to my lovely?
i did it!
It deserved the exclamation. I returned the library book that has been haunting me. I haven't been able to read it because of the guilt I was facing by not having returned it. Now since it is back in its rightful spot I can let the guilt slip away... I made it before the due date. Alas! I can no longer read it. Zut alors!!!
I think I just broke my toe against a shoe. How ironic is that?
When we first met, you battled your way through the biggest snowstorm of the year just to see me. That's the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me. Now I can't even get you to walk through a light shower to meet me a few blocks away.
open letter.
It pains me! It really pains me. I don't know if you read anything I write anymore. We both need this, we were getting into each other's way. I hate this feeling though. On some levels it's the most logical thing and through the mirror I call a heart it seems like the dumbest thing I've ever done. My plan is not to think about it, not much of a plan but I can't sleep anymore, I don't want to think anymore. I just want this to stop or begin. I want to get going somewhere and start walking fast and then get really dizzy and walk so fast that I accidentally walk into you. Everything will go flying, you won't help me pick anything up but you will smile while watching me frantically gather all my goods before you get a chance to glimpse at what has been taking up my life. I miss dancing the most, I don't want anyone else to spin me. I guess I just won't dance for a while or I'll just spin on my own. I'm thinking of you, but I'm also thinking of not thinking of you. I'm not confused. Just still in love and trying to move on at the same time. We can't look back at this point though. This is beginning to sound like a tragedy that just simply becomes banal nothingness in some time. But deep down inside I hope it's the beginning of a romance that will outlast time and distance. A lot of hope is dimming.
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